My most revelational epiphany came to me from a post-birthday gift lululemon shopping bag (gay, I know). One of the many quotes on the lululemon bag read your outlook on life is a direct reflection of how much you like yourself. And for a second I felt like Keanu Reeves in every single one of his movies … woooooooah. Cause I think the lululemon bag is RIGHT. The scary thing is that my outlook isn’t exactly rainbows and butterflies. For example, today while driving, some mother effer almost sideswiped me. He was an asian man, 50 years old or so, driving a white truck, his wife sat in the passenger side and his two sons no more than 9 or 10 sat in the back. I admit, I was driving while on the phone, but the guy didn’t shoulder check when he needlessly “merged” (I use this term very generously) into my lane. So I honked my horn nice and loud. Ceremoniously flipped him my favourite finger and swore at him like a fat boy who just dropped his cake. He stared at me bitterly from his sideview mirror and I stared back all the while yelling profanities. We ended up on the highway together and I made an attempt for him to get another good glimpse of me flipping him the finger before he got away; I think he didn’t see it, but I’m pretty sure his startled little kids saw it. I drove on the highway and literally swore at him from one city to the next. No jokes.
Not to let one minor scenario caused by lousy driving define my outlook in life, but it’s undoubtedly not the best. I think I’m turning into an alcoholic, I work 50-60 hours a week, I scare asian families that can’t drive, and apparently the best adjective to describe my neurotic soliloquies is “melodramatic”. It was actually a tie between that and “psycho”, but I think melodramatic has a nicer ring than “psycho”. We all looooove the people that are always happy smiley froo froo la la, but that’s just not cool. Dude, I’m human! I bleed! I cry! maybe more than the average guy but I’m GAY, damnit! It’s okay to cry in movies… even when they’re not sad. And I HATE how I’m one of those guys that “hates to be mistaken” so I always have to “go back and explain myself”, cus there really is NO reason to have to explain being human (read: melodramatic). Bite me.
And to the lululemon bag quote, I LOVE myself… and i can have a bastardized outlook on life. And touche to something as arbitrary and trivial as a lululemon bag, here’s another quote from the bag: that which matters the least should never give way to that which matters the most. Moral of the story: bags are only meant for holding stuff.