Hold On

Lately I’ve been thinking of weddings. You can’t really blame me, this year I’ll be going to a total of 8 weddings. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, wondering where my wedding venue will be. Other times I’m humming along with the radio wondering if the song will work well at my wedding. And while creating spreadsheets at work, the cells start to fill with my imagination, which are none else but the long guest list of names of my friends and family. I don’t particularly want to get married, and definitely not right now. What I’d really like to do though is build a time machine, go back to when I was 19, and relive all the dumb moments in a less-dumb way for a second time. How different things would be, and how much more would I have to regret? Honestly, I know how I’d live my life again, but all the things I wouldn’t do from what I have done are just as large regrets as not doing the things I had done. That, kinda makes sense, in a lose-lose kind of way.

I keep thinking things can still change in my life, but I feel like I’m at that age where things have come together enough and I need to stop letting things change. I don’t want to wake up one day at 40, careening across the turbulent waves of life with no guide, no compass, and worse of all, no companion. There are a million ways to play what if, but only one what is, and for that, I should try to step out of my fantasy bubble and live in reality. On one hand, I tell myself that it’s not too late right now at 25 to change things, but one day, it will be too late. On the other hand, I tell myself that sometimes when you hold out for everything, you end up with nothing.

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