Thanks: For the rare moments where I regain clarity and perspective, and can squelch the bitterness and spiteful voices in my head.
I’m learning about this thing my friends call “expectations”. Apparently, while dating my previous ex’s, I lacked these expectations… in fact, I had so few and so low expectations, that anything my ex’s did could make me happy. It was like a proud yet pathetic parent who recorded his baby son’s first burp. My ex’s flaws would only be adorable in my eyes (I know, puke). After two bottles of umeshu, I came to the realization that I need to set expectations. The flaws are no longer adorable. I need to set the bar for future boyfriends. And based on the flaws of my previous ex’s, I’ve decided that:
- I will no longer date guys that have teeth lined up like a bad game of tetris. Seriously, if you’re only getting those “z” shape tetris blocks dropping, you’re not going to get a high score. No offense, but at the age range I’m dating at now, it’s not too expensive to get braces.
- I will no longer date freeloaders. Yes, I like spoiling my boyfriend, but when they break up with you while your grandpa is dying of cancer, don’t pay rent and take everything from the toilet plunger, to the toaster your best friend got you during your housewarming, to the scented candles in the washroom, that spells trouble.
- I will no longer date guys that eat louder than they fart. Manners. They’re not difficult. Use them.
- I will no longer take back guys that cheat or lie to me. I probably should have checked this one off my list the 89023115 time my last ex did both to me. Concurrently. I’m bad at pattern recognition.
- I will no longer date guys that only talk the talk but never walk the walk. All I gotta say to guys like that is: “To the left, to the left“.
What are some of the standards and expectations you’ve upped for your game?