Down By The River

Thanks: for the strength to face the present, even when I’m not willing to face the future.

I’m meeting new guys again, and not through Plenty of Fish.

A 23 year old lifeguard working on his accounting designation. Why is it that all amazing eligible individuals are so much younger than me? While 5 years is not unheard of in a healthy relationship, 5 years is on the cusp of “dealbreaker” zone. It’s difficult when I’m about to embark on my second masters and sell my apartment to buy a new one, to be dating someone who just finished his undergrad and has no idea what a mortgage is. And while he’s a really nice guy, I’m wrought by the kissing situation – again. We kissed once, and it literally felt like a healthy floundering 20lb wet tuna jumped out of the river and bitch-slapped me across the face. I remember turning sideways in my car post-kiss to wipe the saliva from my lip, face, and chin in the most un-rude way possible. I’m glad it was dark, as my insincere “goodbye smile” must have said more than I’d want it to say.

I also went out with a doctor today. A dermatologist in fact. A good looking, smart, year-older-than-me, doctor. I’m not exactly sure if sparks are flying here, but a lifetime of botox does sound appealing. Either way, doctors and lifeguards are noble professions that seek to save lives, yet here I am feeling unsatisfied. Am I asking for too much?

Maybe.

But I don’t want to settle down (per se). To settle down would be to imply settling. I don’t want to settle, not again, not this time. I’ll die lonely for my ideals, but not for the ideals and societal norms forced unto me by the term settle down. I’m almost young (I say that like I’m getting younger), but I know what I want, and settling is not it.

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