Foreign Feelings and Feeling Foreign

Tonight’s dinner consisted of two slices of cake, a tub of nutella ice cream, and some popcorn. I guess this is what people who live alone do.

I woke up from a sleep to the saving grace of a door knock. I remember last night, I was floating away in a market in Thailand, where dinner and a massage resulted in me lost, with my wallet missing. I was alone, trapped in anxiety and worries, with no clear idea where the right direction was. Running everywhere, ending up nowhere, looking for everything, finding nothing. Is that my own personal fear manifesting itself in dreams? Being lost? Or are my dreams simply conveying what my reality is?

I remember as a child, the easiest thing in life was to receive. You could meander around life lost, and you would never be – because you would be receiving. Receive gifts. Receive love. Receive freely. As an adult, the tables have turned. It’s so much easier – even expected, that you give gifts, give love, and give freely. Now receiving is the difficult part. Am I so lost in the narcissism of giving that I’ve forgotten how to freely receive?  Or am I simply so busy with the giving that I’ve forgotten to receive?

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